home topics rss search mail to claus

Life is good

Beim heutigen Englisch-Unterricht (danke, Firma, mach wirklich Spaß) durfte ich durch unseren Lehrer D. die zwei Kühe kennenlernen.
Selbige waren bisher an mir vorbeigegangen. Erstaunlich.
Aber man ist ja lernfähig. ;)
Kleine Auswahl gefällig? Bitte sehr:

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children".
Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his.

A LIBERAL: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty. You beg your representative to tax cow owners. The government uses your money to buy an over-priced cow and give it to your neighbor. He knows nothing about cows and it dies. You feel close to god when Barbara Streisand (on CD) sings at the celebration of its life.

AMERICAN CORPORATE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell both, lease them back, and build a herd by artificial insemination. You stage an IPO and use the proceeds to buy everyone else's herd. When you control all you can of the dairy market you do the same in every other country where you can get away with it, channeling your income to the country with the lowest taxes. You pay your CEO more than that country's annual GDP.

A SMALL BUSINESSMAN: You have two cows. So does your neighbor. Yours give great milk but milk is cheap. He makes great cheese and it's expensive. You borrow from a banker to buy his cheese, using your cows as collateral. Your cows get sick and you pay a veterinarian instead of the banker. The banker seizes your cows and finances them for your neighbor. The seizure is faster and the financing terms are more lenient if they golf together. If the neighbor attends a different church you will believe he made your cows sick. If he follows a different religion you will be certain he did.

A LAWYER: You have no cows. A cow owner found a pasture he wants to buy. Buying property is risky and the process arcane, requiring the service of a lawyer. You agree to represent him in exchange for two cows. The pasture has no road frontage and is land-locked. You must obtain a right-of-way. The eventual bill for your service rises to 10 cows. A faulty milking machine electrocutes your client's employee. His family sues for damages. You handle the defense in exchange for 500 cows. Your client sues the milking machine manufacturer. You make it a class action suit and settle for ten million cows for you, ten cows for each client. The judge rejects that as excessive and awards you one million cows. You know nothing about large scale dairy farming so your farm manager steals milk. You suspect it but you don't care because it's an exaggeratable tax loss.

A WALL STREET STOCK ANALYST: You have no cows but people accept you as an expert on them because your employer says you are. Your client whose cows are dying asks you to say nice things about his cows so he can sell them. You tout them in exchange for money to buy the healthiest cows you can find. Before you buy them you tell people they are dying to drive down the price.

A GERMAN CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. Then you covet it.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. If there is any left for you it is sour.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows none of which belong to you. You charge high prices for pasturing them. If they give milk or calves you tell no one.

MICROSOFT: You have two cows. You make a deal with dairies to buy no one's milk but yours. Unable to sell milk, the other cow owners sell cheese. You give away cheese to drive them out of business. When you control dairyland you charge a royalty on every cheeseburger and grilled cheese sandwich sold in the world. You open milk and cheese stores using your power over dairy customers to steer them your way. Inside your crowded dairy stores are 100 unrelated stores paying you rent.

AN INDIAN PEASANT: You have two cows. You worship them while you and your family starve to death.

A PALESTINIAN VILLAGER: You have two cows. You use one for a shield while you throw rocks at the police. You put a time bomb inside the other and send it into an Israeli schoolyard. When both cows die you blame the Jews.

A POLE: You have two cows. You trade one to a Gypsy for seeds guaranteed to grow a beanstalk reaching up to the magic kingdom. They never sprout. You trade the second cow to the same Gypsy for seeds guaranteed to do better.

NEW AGE X GENERATION: You have two cows. You ask: "What's a cow?" You give them guitars but they do not learn to play. You buy their CD just the same.

A WEST VIRGINIAN: You have two cows. You marry one and sneak out on Saturday night to have sex with the other.

A KENTUCKIAN: You have two cows. You tell people they are horses. New Yorkers believe you.

A MEXICAN: You have two cows. You milk them once, then kill them. You sell the milk. You sell the meat. You sell the fat. You sell the bones. You sell the skin. You give all the money to a man who puts you in a crate for assured live delivery in Texas.

A SPANIARD: You have two cows. You trade them for a bull. In a macho moment the next day you are gored to death.

A CANADIAN: You have two cows. On cold winter nights you sleep between them. You wonder why you smell that way.

A HUNGARIAN: You have two cows. One gives nothing but sour milk. You sell it to your brother without telling him.

A CONGOLESE: You have two cows. When the highest ranking government official in town finds out, you will be jailed and they will be his.

A CUBAN: You have two cows. You leave one with your family and take the other to Florida in a leaky boat. The cow makes it but you drown. The cow will later become Archbishop of Miami.

AN ANIMAL RIGHTIST: You invade someone's pasture and drive his cows out. They wander onto the highway and people and cows die. You feel proud.

A VEGETARIAN: You have two cows. You compete with them for food.

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
Donnerstag, 3. Juni 2004, 23:12, von claus x | |comment

To prevent spam abuse referrers and backlinks are displayed using client-side JavaScript code. Thus, you should enable the option to execute JavaScript code in your browser. Otherwise you will only see this information.